Reckless abandon

As I am writing this, I am listening to my “Dancing on the other side” playlist on Spotify. Dancing on the other side of heartbreak, that is. I’m not quite there, but this music helps. It hurts, and it affirms my strength. Music is funny that way.

But writing is what really helps.

It’s also where the greatest pain awaits me. That’s because of the story that I need to write. I’m processing. Sorting through the ideas and what the story wants to look like. I’m almost ready to get to work.

I know I am going to have to go at it with reckless abandon. I have absolutely nothing to lose when it comes to writing this story. In a lot of other ways, I have nothing to lose either.

I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. But the new year looms. And it looms big. It feels that way. Perhaps because I’m so over 2018.

But I will dance into the new year and I will do so with reckless abandon as well. 2019 will be what I make of it. Nobody else is going to get to have a say in that and nobody will ever do to me again what I’ve been through this year. Never again.

If I have any resolution to make, it’s that.

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Life’s too short

We live our lives as if they will never end. It’s true. On a daily basis, we walk through life without any real regard that it will end eventually. Obviously, it’s not a pleasant thing to contemplate. It doesn’t matter whether you consider your life a good one or a bad one if you’d rather be someone else or are happy with yourself. The majority of us holds onto life and doesn’t want to think about it ever ending. If anything, if you’re unhappy with your life, you wish for a better one. Few are those, who want it to end.

I don’t mull over death excessively. And I don’t believe it’s possible to live your life as if every day could be your last day. I mean, I don’t take the hedonistic approach, which is what some believe this is all about. More importantly, you should try and keep regrets to a minimum and strive to be your best self. At the end of the day, you should be able to say: I did my best. Sometimes it may not seem good enough. Often you might think you could have done more, could have been better. And perhaps that’s true. But ask yourself if it could have gone a whole lot worse as well. Gain perspective. We’re fallible human beings. We keep making mistakes. We keep repeating some of them.

Most of the time, you’ll find it’s okay.

Regardless, I just read about this new study that we’re headed for a ‘Hothouse Earth’. This summer has already been ridiculously hot, at least where I live, where you can usually count the number of days above 30 degrees centigrade on one hand and this year two hands wouldn’t be enough. Additionally, I had a sudden realisation that there’s a person in my life who is extremely important to me and the thought of losing her was very nearly unbearable.

And I knew then and there that life is simply too short to waste opportunities. The only thing that is ever certain in this life is that it ends. Everything else is optional. There’s no guarantee you’ll even see tomorrow.

Life is too precious for any kind of waste. Which includes the waste we lay to our homeworld. We can’t continue living as if we’re invincible or immortal. We can’t continue living and wasting as if nobody will follow after us. We’re in this together, all of us.

And change begins with each and every one of us.

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The right time

It’s been forever since I last wrote a blog entry. Life is funny. So unpredictable. Not that I would want it any other way. And whilst I write pretty much every day, this blog has taken a backseat. It was not important to write here.

But I return to it whenever I need it and, apparently, I need it now.

There are so many thoughts and feelings running through me that I don’t quite know where to begin.

Having someone hold up a mirror to your actions is rarely a pleasant thing. You can claim to know yourself all you want, but when someone shows you what you’ve done and that it wasn’t okay for you to do as you did, it sucks. You realise you hurt somebody, without meaning to. By simply being selfish. My wants above your needs. That’s not okay, especially when you love somebody.

Love should never be selfish. But people are and most of us love in a selfish way. ‘I’ before ‘you’, even in the most meaningful and simplest of phrases: I love you.

But how do you rephrase that? After all, this is my feeling that I have for you.

There’s this quote:

This is vitally important. I’ve known this to be true since I first read it. But I haven’t lived it the way I should have. It’s time for me to learn to live it. And this is not going to be easy. Everything inside me is turmoil. Head over heart. Heart vs head. Want over need. Mine over yours. No…


You need this. I’m hurting. But you need this. There can’t be growth without pain. Your needs over mine. In this case, it’s the only decision I can make. I’ll learn how to breathe again. My appetite will return eventually, so will sleep.

If there is a way forward, we will find it. We always have, and I have faith in that. What’s between us has not diminished in any way. We trust each other. But this time apart is necessary and important, and I know that.

It’s what you need. And in my own way, I need it as well. I need it because it challenges me in ways that I didn’t want to be challenged.

I’ll deal with this in my own way, which will mostly mean that I will write… a lot… It’ll also mean that I’ll spend a lot of time by myself. Something that you don’t understand and wouldn’t want for me… to close myself off… but that’s not necessarily what this is about. Being alone forces me to confront myself. This is hard. Going out to party with friends is an easy distraction. An escape. I don’t want to escape.

So, I’m going to work on reconciling what you need with what I want. There is an important distinction to be made here. What I want is different from what I need. That’s probably true for most people, including you.

For now, I’m going to have to move through life without you in it – at least physically, because I can neither cast you from my mind nor from my heart. And when the time is right, I’ll reach out and hopefully, you’ll reach back.

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Constant distraction

As it was getting darker outside I lit the candles in my living room. The TV was off, so was the computer. I was reading an article on my phone posted on, one of my favourite thinking sites.

It was about growing older. A writer had written something about it. Well, we write a lot about many things, do we not?

It doesn’t actually matter what the article was about. Nor does it matter that it inspired me to write, which is always a good thing.

What matters is what happened when I finished reading.

The noise stopped. All of it. The noise of my thoughts as I was reading. The constant narrator in my head had nothing further to say once I finished reading the article. And all of a sudden I became acutely aware of the silence.

It wasn’t entirely dark yet. The candle light cast wonderful lighting around the room. The wall radiator made a quiet whooshing sound, indicating that it is currently heating. I could hear the wall clock in the kitchen tick tock away the seconds.

There were no other sounds. No traffic from the street, no noise from the neighbours. Nothing of any consequence. Not even the voice in my head.

So, I sat and listened to the silence for a while.

I felt like writing down my impressions right away, but I resisted. I needed the silence for a moment. Constant distraction is keeping us away from ourselves. I’ve been through a lot of emotional turmoil in recent months. Some of it exhilarating. Some of it soul crushing. Never just one extreme or the other, thankfully. Most of the time I was just happy to be. And be alive. And in love.

But every once in a while silence is required to come back to myself. The noise of some TV show I’m barely watching or have seen half a dozen times already is merely distraction. And there’s only so much you can distract yourself before everything comes rushing back and you have to deal with it after all.

Of course, I’ve also spent too much with myself lately. Thinking too much, feeling too much, mulling everything over for the umpteenth time without a change in the conclusions I inevitably arrived at. That’s not good either. And then distraction is not a bad thing.

But rarely did I simply sit in silence. And contemplation. Trying to keep all those useless repetitive thoughts away and the feelings I can do nothing about.

And it was good. The silence, I mean. Even now it is good, though the clacking away on the keyboard is a distraction as well and I wish it to be quiet again.

I know people who are never truly alone or if they are, they go after every little distraction available just so they don’t have to be alone with their thoughts and feelings. How do they touch base with themselves? How do they figure out what it is they want or feel?

It only takes a few minutes here and there. I’m going to have a very busy month ahead of me. A part of me will welcome that distraction, because I don’t want to dwell on my feelings. But I also don’t want to lose myself in all the noise.

Balance is the key. And me saying that is rather ironic, but that’s another story entirely.

Sit in quietude and solitude every once in a while. It’ll do you good. I promise.

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All of me

There are some songs that describe your life at this very moment so perfectly. And you wonder: How did they know when they wrote it? How did they know this is how I feel? How did they know that this is my life right now?

Those are the songs that break your heart just a little bit. Hitting on the truth you couldn’t find the words for yourself. Expressing your feelings so accurately.

I watched a TV show a few months ago and one of the characters asked: how do you know you’re in love?

The answer given was: All the songs make suddenly sense.

How bloody true is that?!

I have four songs that sum things up perfectly. This is my life. This is how I feel. This is what I’m going through.

Wicked Game

All of me

Water under the bridge

Sleepless Nights

And it is in that order that they hit me over the head and sucker punched me over the last few months.

Why do we fall in love?

Well, I have no idea. It’s the best feeling in the world. But it can screw with you as well – royally. Even when the feeling is actually mutual there’s no guarantee that you can find happiness. Some would say happiness is overrated. It’s only part of a fulfilled life. But it is still part of it and that’s where some people are probably wrong.

I’m not going to get into the situation I’m facing. I’m not even entirely sure what it looks like, because I’m missing a few pieces. And I have a few days to wait before I can get some answers, which doesn’t help. Because in the meantime my head is telling its own stories and somehow they never end happily.

I do know this: I’ll make it through. I don’t want to arrive on the other side by myself. But I will make it through. Even though sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.

And all things aside, it is true what many other writers and artists have experienced before me: making art helps. In my case, it means writing helps. I’ve rarely been so prolific. I just wish it would hurt a little less.

No, my heart isn’t broken. And it isn’t sadness that I’m feeling. There’s no unhappiness inside of me either. It’s the longing that hurts.

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Human connection

I tried a little something different this time.

And writing. Writing helps too. At least it helps me.

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Dancing in the rain

That’s not an activity I usually engage in, but the weather has been such that we barely saw any sun lately and thus I found myself dancing in the rain at an Amy MacDonald concert.

I’ve known about the concert for months and not-so-subtly hinted to my brother that a concert ticket would be well received as a birthday present. He doesn’t always know what gift to get me and I thought I’d make it easy on him.

So, I ended up with two cards, which is what he does. The person I would have loved to take, however, was not even in the country, which I’ve also known for some time. But my brother hadn’t known that.

I had invited him and his significant other to Hamburg and as it happened, they planned to come the weekend before the concert. My brother ordered another ticket online and sent it to me and we were going to go together on the 24th of July.

Alas, circumstances prevented the visit and I found myself with two spare tickets all of a sudden and no idea who to take or whether to sell them.

In the end a friend of a friend was very happy to come along and she brought another friend along. I knew one of them, at least, and they both made for good company. In any case, I was quite happy not to go by myself.

Summer in Hamburg can be hit and miss. Last July wasn’t great either, but August turned out quite alright. Thus far July has resembled April more closely than what you’d expect for this season. There’s been lots and lots of rain and the occasional thunderstorm.

Monday managed to keep dry until the early evening, but as we were on our way to the concert, which was to be open air, the heavens opened up and a deluge poured down on us. Thankfully it wasn’t too cold, but when parts of you are drenched (especially your feet) then you will get cold eventually.

We had to swap umbrellas for rain ponchos, which was just as well. And eventually the downpour did ease up, but it kept raining all evening.

Still, none of us were deterred. In fact, given that Northerners aren’t the most exuberant people you’ll ever meet, the crowd was positively vibrant.

It did help that Amy was utterly charming and that she has a fantastic live voice. Not all artists do and it’s always a wonderful discovery when they can hold their own live. She welcomed us to Scotland… err… Hamburg, bemoaning the miserable weather, but thanking us for our resilience and showing up in numbers. She also called us beautiful in our multi-coloured ponchos and rain gear.

Her music did the rest and we were dancing in the rain, albeit in a somewhat reserved manner, trying to warm up, but not getting too wet or dirty in the process. We are Germans, after all.

The concert was a mix of some of her best songs and her latest album and I loved every part of it. I stood fairly close to the stage, smiling happily, swaying, clapping and singing along and feeling incredibly alive, despite rotten wet and cold feet.

I would have wished for one person to be there and share this experience, no matter the rain and how wet we all were. I would have loved for my brother and his boyfriend to be there as well. But I was happy and grateful for the company that was there and couldn’t have asked for more.

There’ll be a next time.

One of my favourite songs of hers, though it’s not her original song and she didn’t play it that night. Still, I felt like sharing it.

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Is this all there is?

I first asked myself this question somewhere at the end of summer 2005. I was still enrolled as a student at university, but I’d given up on Egyptology. I knew I wouldn’t work in the field and I knew I wouldn’t be able to complete my degree without the minor subjects, which I had lost complete interest in.

So I needed to figure out what to do with my life. Eventually, I arrived at the idea of travelling around the world. Whilst the life I had was quite alright, it wasn’t the life I wanted. Instead, I chose another path and I’ve never regretted the choice.

That’s actually quite true.

Now, nearly 11 years after I actually did leave, stayed away for 10 years and returned almost a year ago, I find myself asking once again: Is this all there is?

And once again the answer is… no.

The reason behind my question now is completely different than it was then. Twelve years ago I wanted to know what life could be like. What else is out there? What adventures are possible? Who can I become? And might I find more meaning in life?

All those questions and many more were answered. Though almost in every case the answer continues to change. That’s okay. I am a work in progress. Definitive answers are not required.

For the majority of those ten years away, I enjoyed unparalleled freedom. I could go wherever I wanted. I could do whatever I wanted. When I decided to stay, it was because I wanted to. When I wanted to leave, I did. I chose the people in my life. I chose the challenges. I made commitments. I chose every path I walked. Even though I usually had no idea where it might lead. I just always trusted that I would be okay. That I would arrive somewhere. And I walked every path until it could take me no further and it was time to find a new direction.

Ultimately, I arrived where I now am. I became the person I currently am. I couldn’t have imagined either. Or planned for it. And that’s quite alright. I don’t believe in planning the future. I don’t know what my future self might want, except to be happy and lead a good life. But beyond that? My past self didn’t know that I would end up where I am and that I would feel the way I do right now.

On that note, read this. It is quite illuminating

In the last three months, my life has turned upside down. Not so much my outer life. But my inner life. I’m going to have to digress here and take a detour into the matters of the heart.

First of all, I do things in my own time. Always have, and likely always will. I’ve experienced quite a few things ten years behind what might be considered the average. First kiss, first relationship… that sort of thing. It simply happened that way. And it’s not as if there’s a schedule one must adhere to. Plus, I don’t measure my life against that of others. So, who cares about the average?

Mind you, the first time I had a crush on anyone I was ten years old. But when I was 17 I was more concerned with my sexual orientation than dating. And dating has never been my cup of tea anyway. The first time I truly fell for someone, head over heels and all that, I was 22. My heart leapt into an abyss of feelings, which the rest of me was unprepared for. I may have gone a little crazy for a little while. And, of course, it was a disaster.

My heart climbed out of the abyss two years later and said to me: Let’s not do that again.

The next time I fell for someone I had already decided to leave my life behind and travel. A relationship was not an option. Being in love was surprisingly easy and uncomplicated, though, and it was even reciprocated, which I only learned after I had left. I held onto those feelings for some time whilst travelling. And eventually, they faded. Absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder.

Then I met my ex. We were friends. I didn’t want a relationship. She was in love with me. Eventually, I gave her my heart and hoped she’d look after it. She didn’t. She couldn’t. When my heart was returned to me three years later I didn’t recognize it anymore. I didn’t recognize myself. I left the life I had built once again. Mostly so I could heal and become a new self.

Three years ago I could’ve given my heart into good care. Perhaps the best care yet. I could have been sure that I would have been loved in a way that I believe most people deserve to be loved in. But I didn’t return those feelings and couldn’t have taken the same care of the heart that I would have been entrusted with. I couldn’t be so utterly selfish and it would have ended in horrible heartbreak.

And so I continued to be free of anyone and anything. Living the life I wanted, travelling around the world once more, stopping when and where I wanted. Not settling down. Eventually, I realized that nothing kept me where I was and I decided to return to Germany once again. Perhaps it was time to close a circle.

For the first time in forever, I wanted to establish some sort of home base. I’m not done discovering life and all it has to offer. There are so many places to travel to still. So many things to see and experience. But I no longer just want to do that by myself. I’ve done all that. The travelling by myself. The experiencing by myself. The going on adventures by myself.

There’s something I’ve never done before: share all these things with someone else. And not just anyone, of course, but someone I love and who loves me.

Since I’m not dating and haven’t been actively looking to meet someone in any way, I simply arranged my new life here in Hamburg and decided the only way for me to get out of the house is to find a job on the side. I happened to find the perfect job to meet people. And because of that job, against all odds and expectations or hopes, I also met someone who turned out to be pretty fucking special.

Someone, it also turned out, who is already in a relationship. Because, of course. Why should it be easy? How absurd that I could meet someone, we fall for each other and we could actually build something that may have a chance to last.

Let me be perfectly honest: there have been times when I have wondered if I would ever find someone I might be compatible with. Or whether I wanted a relationship, or if it was even in the cards for me. Some people stay single and like it that way. Would I be one of those people?

I’ve been asked plenty of times, why I am still single. Usually, when I’m being told that I’m such a wonderful person and how come nobody has snatched me up.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter how wonderful you are, when the feelings are either not mutual or circumstances are simply not in your favour.

And it is still better than never having met them at all.

Anyway, three months ago, after meeting that special someone, I realized that holding onto my heart is pointless. I had to set it free. It’s stronger than it has ever been and it can look after itself. Whether I will ever have the relationship I want or not is somewhat irrelevant right now. What I do have is love. I have always had love. My heart is full of it. Even at its most crippled and hurt. And since I’m being honest, I do want love. It may be the only thing in this world that truly matters… in all its forms. The only thing that makes life worthwhile. Anything we do with love, we do well. Anything that gives us joy tends to be something worth loving.

What else can I do?

I love.

I always have. I always will.

Every once in a while I am in love.

And perhaps, one day, I will get the chance to grow that magical feeling into a relationship with someone.

Easier said than done.

Perhaps the answer to the question, if this is all there is, will always be no. Because there’s always the potential for more. But not every ‘what if’ needs to come to fruition. Not every potential needs to be pursued. We have to make choices, decide on a path we wish to take and accept that we will leave unlived lives behind. That’s okay as long as the life that we do choose feels as right as it can. As long as it makes us happy and fulfils most of our desires, though never all of them. Nobody can have it all, but we can decide what to settle for. Remember, we’re only as much as we settle for.

Another article I very much recommend

Right now I know with absolute certainty that my heart wants more than what it has. That it is not okay to settle for so much less. That I can’t settle for less, because I know more is possible and that I deserve more than that. In fact, I need more.

So, what do I do? I stand by what I said in my previous post. I will keep loving because I have no other option. I will keep hoping without expectations. I do not know that there’s anything to look forward to, but I know I won’t be waiting for it. The future has never been more of a blank canvas than it is right now. I’ve never lived so much in the moment as I have recently. I appreciate that beyond measure.

Interestingly, I still live a life of utter freedom. I’m not tethered down by anything. That means when the moment comes for me to surrender a part of that freedom – for that is what you do when you begin to share your life with another – I won’t have a problem to do just that. I can do anything. I can go anywhere. And for the right person, I’d be willing to go very far indeed.

As it turns out, I’d also be willing to let the right person go. Because holding on to them may not mean that I get to keep them.

In the meantime, I will keep pursuing my dreams. Well, one dream anyway. The only one within reach. Remember, Meryl Streep said that Carrie Fisher told her this:

Take your broken heart

Make it into art

My heart isn’t broken. Far from it. But it is bleeding and feeling so much. I can make that into art as well. So I will write.

And this will be my soundtrack until I find another song to dance to – then no longer by myself, but with someone:

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To love or not to love

We all want to be loved. Quite probably it’s one of the few things in life that we need. Every once in a while we’ll meet a person we fall for and we find that they are the one we hope to be loved by. With any luck, the feelings are indeed returned.

But then what? Will the two of you embark on a relationship? That’s what most people hope for. But what if that is not an option? There’s a multitude of reasons why that might be so.

What the reason is, doesn’t even matter. At least not right away. The simple fact of the matter is that you can’t be with the one you love.

So what do you do? What indeed…

You keep loving. We don’t have a choice in the matter. Love can neither be turned on nor off. We keep loving and hope for the best.


What we can choose is what we do. And what that might be, everybody has to decide for themselves. It is at this point that it matters why we can’t be with the one we love. Because the reason will influence what we might do. How we choose to deal with the situation.

Hoping for the best is, after all, not necessarily going to cut it. Hope will only carry us so far. In the end, we also need to protect ourselves. Our silly little hearts are not very good at protecting themselves. Especially when they are in love.

So what do we do?

There’s no ultimate answer to that. Not even a right course of action to take. Or necessarily a wrong one. The only wrong thing to do is to deliberately set out to hurt someone else.

If you don’t know what to do, try to be patient, especially with yourself. It’s the only thing you can really influence. It’s easy to give up, to lose hope, to let your heart break with the impossibility of a situation. Letting go of your worries, anxieties and of your fears is not easy.

But it is possible to love without asking for anything in return. Because Katherine Hepburn was quite right, “Love has nothing to do with what you’re expecting to get – only with what you’re expecting to give – which is everything.”

Once you realize that it’s not so much about being loved or being with the one you love, letting go is not so difficult. You do have to keep on doing that, though. You have to keep letting go because our hearts want what they want and you’ll feel that greed over and over again.

At the same time, I would never suggest to give up on that love, your own or that of the one who returns your feelings. Even if you can’t be together, whatever the reason might be, that doesn’t mean you should walk away from your feelings.

Bertrand Russell said, “Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”

Not now does not mean never. Though every once in a while it will feel like not ever.

It’s a difficult path to walk. But every moment of happiness tends to be worth it. And we do deserve to be happy. Not everyone is able to pursue their happiness, but that should never mean that we have to forsake it.

As it is, I believe our hearts will guide us. Sure, wanting something doesn’t mean we ought to have it. But wanting something, or someone, enough does make us take on the impossible.

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A symphony of getting lost

“Schroedinger said, at its base level, the universe isn’t matter… it’s just shapes… nothing firm… what it means is that the real world is just a simulation anyway… that even if we’re not real, we may represent a dynamic… a tiny finger tracing a line in the infinite. A shape. And then we’re gone… Listen, all I’m saying is that, if we’re just information, just noise in the system… we might as well be a symphony.” – Root to Shaw in Person of Interest

We have this picture of ourselves in our heads of who we should be. We have an idea of who we are. Some of us even see a path ahead of where they want to be, who they wish to become.

But the question is: how clearly do we see ourselves? Do we have an open mind about who it is we are? And do we actually let ourselves just be?

Most of the time we tell ourselves stories of who we are, who we should be and why we can’t be something else or something more, because we don’t deserve such luck. We judge our failings so much harsher than we celebrate our accomplishments.

We don’t allow ourselves true happiness. Because what have we done to deserve such things?

Even the most open-minded among us recognize that we’re just doing the best we can, trying to be good, trying to do good, that we won’t always succeed and that it is okay to stumble and fall. But we still don’t embrace happiness when it hits us in the face. There’s always a second-guessing, a doubt, a pause to consider whether we deserve this or not.

Until the moment you feel yourself falling for someone. And I mean the moment when it actually happens. When you’re just there, inside of it, allowing yourself to feel all of it.

All of a sudden you’re lost and you don’t mind. Happiness has a way of turning your head around. There’s a part of you that can’t resist. Doesn’t want to resist. You’re willing to follow wherever it may lead. And then you look up and you have no idea where you are anymore. You’ve never been here before. You don’t recognize the landscape.

But you find yourself wanting to explore it. Where does this path lead? Where that? You’re in uncharted territory and none of the paths ahead would take you anywhere you’ve ever been before. You’re lost in a way you’ve never been before. And you don’t mind it at all.

I don’t get lost. A friend once said to me I have a built-in GPS. I always find my way, no matter where I end up, even when I’ve never been there before. I don’t get lost.

But this? This is different. This is the best way to get lost if ever you do get lost. In some strange way, you let go of a part of yourself, lose it and yourself to the experience of the unknown. That’s when those preconceived ideas of who we are or who we should be cease to matter.

We can’t truly lose ourselves. We’re stuck with ourselves. What we can lose is the second-guessing, the doubt, the need to see our shortcomings before our strengths. We can learn to simply accept ourselves and not have expectations of ourselves. We can bravely walk into the unknown and walk a path that we never would have allowed ourselves to walk before. To explore the road ahead with open hearts and believe in the possibility that we might actually deserve what we find along the way.

The most incredible part in all this is: when you choose the path that feels right, you won’t be walking it alone.

Get lost in happiness. Be a symphony with the one who shares the path you’re walking on. Or be a song all by yourself.

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