Have you ever wondered, looking at your life, if this is all there is to it? I know I have many times and generally I do quite like my life and I’ve done a lot of things I have always wanted to do. I’m better off for it and have few regrets, not enough to want to go back and change anything, though.
But every now and then I stop and think and I know I’m not where I want to be, not doing what I could or should be doing, let alone want to be doing.
Apart from wanting to write, I also want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I don’t need the world to know. I need to know, though. I need to look back one day and nod my head and know that I’ve done something worthwhile.
I’ve been told many times how courageous I am, travelling the world as I did, moving countries several times, travelling around some remote places by myself without fear. I’ve been told I am a strong person.
Strong I might be, but I never considered myself courageous and I have my weaknesses as well. Am I brave? I don’t know. I think I can be brave. To truly do what you want to do, maybe what you know you’re meant to do, what you need, requires some guts.
Sitting down to write is me being brave, but only in the sense of overcoming my own fears of actually putting myself out there. Putting pen on paper can be hard, but it’s one of the few things I always found worthwhile doing.
But this isn’t what I am talking about, not solely.
Maybe what I am talking about is going to Africa and help building a school. I know I’ve thought about it. And I’ve got a feeling that I might be headed that way eventually anyway.
I know right now I need stability and a home. It’s what I am trying to build for myself and I am in a good place to do that.
In my heart I also know, that there is more waiting for me to be done. I know that this is not it, not the non plus ultra, the be all, the end all. Not at all. This is a tiny stepping stone and sometimes I wish time would rush by for a moment and I would get where I need to be faster.
Alas, life doesn’t work like that. We all have to learn the slow and hard way. Snipping your fingers doesn’t make it so. Sometimes I find that a shame, but I do know it’s ultimately better for me.
My little moment of bravery always comes when I press “Publish Post”. And believe it or not, as I said before, I truly do not care what you, the hypothetical reader, might think of my ramblings. This isn’t for you, after all. It’s for me. You’ll know when I write for you.
2clouds 