I’m supposed to know how to write. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I’m not sure anyone else thinks that. Right now it only matters that I think that, though.
However, lately I find myself at a loss for words. I may have a thought or an idea occurs to me, but I am unable to elaborate on either beyond a few words. It is as if I lost the ability to discuss any given subject and actually make sense. I am lacking focus, clarity of thought.
I know what I want to say, what I want to talk about and how I feel about a subject, but I cannot find the words to put everything together in a sensible way. Right now I also seem to be lacking discipline. And time.
I focus so much at work during the day that I have not much left when I get home at the end of the day. It’s a lot of mental work and I just want to relax for a few hours. I’m too tired to even day dream and that is saying a lot. I go around in circles and repeat myself without progressing.
That is utterly unacceptable.
This was not supposed to happen. Being out of the house eleven to twelve hours a day is my main problem here, but I’ve got time in between and I should be able to use it. I have to make the effort.
If procrastination were a sin (as in the bible sense of sins), I’d be ensuring my place in purgatory right now. And the worst part is, I’m only doing it to myself. I’m so good at preoccupying myself with stuff that I’m not even into, it’s almost unforgivable. It’s borderline stupid and I don’t do stupid.
I really have to get over myself, buckle up and get going.
Because, in truth, the words are there. I know they are, I’m just not looking hard enough and they’re not even hiding.
I’m not sure I want to put a word count on my daily allowance, but I can at least commit to an hour of writing every day. There’s plenty of opportunity for that. So, I make a promise to myself to do exactly that.
I make promises that I intend to keep and I know I can keep. And I don’t break them.
I promise I will go looking for the words for at least an hour every day.
Or in the immortal words of JK Rowling: I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.