Not writing

I sometimes wonder if it is easier not to write than to sit down and get going. As you can see I’ve not done the latter for a number of months now and for a number of reasons.

Not wanting to write wasn’t one of them, however. I always want to write. I carry pen and paper with me everywhere. I can jot down notes on my phone or even use my tablet to work on a story I started. And I’ve done so frequently in the time of my absence here.

I’ve also thought frequently of logging in to continue my blog. But it never went further than that no matter how much I wanted to write or how many ideas I had.

Writing is hard. But once I start I can keep going and forget the world (alas it usually doesn’t forget about me). Not writing is harder, though. It bothers me so much more not to sit down and write and get rid of the crowding thoughts in my head.

Also, it always feels like I failed myself.

I don’t know why, but every time I look at the small link in my browser that would lead me here I think: some other time. Not now.

And I couldn’t tell you for the life of me why that is. I don’t know what keeps me away. Well, I am keeping myself away, but I’ll be damned to tell you exactly why that is. It’s neither the lack of ideas nor the desire to write.

I’ve got to admit, though, that the predominant thought might be: what’s the point?

Do I really believe I have enough to say for someone to want to read this? Do I really believe what I have to say is interesting enough? Do I really want to waste my energy on this rather than on a story I’m developing?

Ultimately I’m probably no more or less interesting than you, the reader.

Ultimately it also doesn’t actually matter at all, because I never started this for you, dear reader, anyway. I started this for myself.

I jumped into this today, because I scanned some writing advice article online and somewhere there it said: write every day.

So I thought: fine, that’s it. I’m gonna do it. I don’t care for not writing anymore, I’m just gonna go ahead and bloody damn well write whatever jumps into my head. I need to.

I always do.

It’ll be raw and unedited and not proof-read when I hit “publish post”, because I don’t care if it’ll be pretty or appealing. I just need to get it out.

Maybe tomorrow I will write with more care about something more interesting. If you’ll bear with me you’ll see.

It turns out that writing is never a waste of my energy. It is all I want to use my energy for. Even if no one will every read this.

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About 2clouds

I am many things, most of them I am 100%, some of them 150%, none of them just half. I write, I read, I dream, I travel. I question. And I'm always looking for answers. No dream is impossible.
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