I’ve not found the live yet I’m capable of living. I’m capable of living my life, but I’ve not reached my limits yet, not by far.
I seem to have a hard time staying for long in one place. I’ve moved countries plenty of times now and I’m starting to think that I am not done yet.
When I came back to Germany, sort of, I thought I wanted to stop moving around so much, certainly so far, and settle down a little closer to home. Whilst I’m not about to move continents again, I can’t rule out that I’m looking at moving countries.
London isn’t the place for me. Nothing new here, I’ve said it before. It has a lot to offer and right now things seem to be in flux. Work is stagnating to a point of frustration and I’m not sure where things are headed. I’ve learned all I can in this job and I am ready for the next step. But there’s no room to move forward or upward.
It’s time to do something new. Something a little different would be nice. I can’t stand still. I can’t be stuck.
I’ve been stuck for too long in the past without even realizing it, always feeling compelled to go with what was expected of me or what I thought was expected of me. Leaving my home and everything and everyone I knew wasn’t expected of me and I don’t think I’ve done much since that first step that would’ve fallen into that category.
Mind you, I’ve always tried to do the responsible thing, or whatever was sensible. I’m not an idiot and I’m not reckless. Adventurous, maybe, and I really should be all things considered, but there’s no need to be reckless.
I know I have it in me to pack a bag and leave tomorrow, just taking what I absolutely can’t leave and not give a damn about anything or anyone else. It would be the most selfish thing I could do and my family would worry like crazy.
I know I could. And there’s a part of me that wants to do just that. Maybe that part has always been there and has driven me to keep on running from safety.
I don’t always know what I want, but I always know what I don’t want. Standing still is something I don’t want and quite simply can’t do. If anything had the potential to drive me crazy it’s that.
I won’t ever be able to live all the lives that I want to experience. It’s one of many reasons I write. Because it allows me to live many lives.
So you see, I’m not leaving because I don’t like it here or because I don’t like you and want to get away. I am leaving, because I need to see what else is out there. I’ll take you with me, though, and will come back to visit. At least I’ll try.
But you won’t ever find me standing still for very long. That is something I don’t seem to be capable of doing.
2clouds 