I suppose that is what I am doing. I can’t not hope just as much as I can’t not write. Two double negatives in one sentence. Well done me.
I’ve mentioned before that I tend to lean towards cynicism what with becoming disillusioned with so many things that are happening in our world. Anyone with an ounce of brain will lean in the same direction.
But it’s not the healthiest direction to lean in, so I prefer to cling to hope. And before I run off on a completely different tangent, let me get back to what I’m currently hoping for.
Let’s call it a break. I think that is what it’s mostly referred to: Someone giving you a chance to prove yourself in the profession you chose to pursue, or in my case, can’t not pursue. There we have it again.
For what it’s worth it’s been a long time coming. I’ve pushed it off for quite a number of years, mostly I wasn’t even aware of doing so. I went to Uni, I travelled the world, moved countries a number of times, always being preoccupied with earning a living, paying off debt, not being a financial burden on my parents. Ugh, that last one was the worst for me.
And now, for the first time in what seems to be ever, I am in a comfortable position to go and chase my dreams once more, go and chase hope.
My first idea is to run from safety and not give a damn about where I’m going and how much I might earn in a job that would allow me to write. That is quite literally my first instinct. I want to be able to support myself, but I’m not aiming for riches. I don’t care about the money. Of course it’s an added bonus, it allows me to not have a tedious day job that makes me want to gouge out my own eyes.
Okay, this last bit sounds a little extreme and luckily my current job doesn’t make me feel that way, but it is becoming increasingly tedious and it’s harder to get up every morning. I genuinely care about my team and don’t want to abandon them from now to next week. I want to do the right thing and finish what I started and hand over properly. I know they’ll be fine, I made sure of that.
Last week I applied for a job that pays maybe half of what I get right now, but since it’s nowhere near London and the cost of living would be much lower, I didn’t care. At some point at the end of the ad it said something about walking on air at the end of the day going home, because one was lucky enough to do a job one loved. Namely writing. Being creative.
So, I applied and said: I’m applying to this role, because I do want to walk on air at the end of the day, because I’m able to do what I love.
We end up compromising a lot in our lives. Sometimes more sometimes less, always hoping not to end up with the short end of the stick. And there are things I am happy to compromise on as long as I get a break.
But I will never ever give this one up. I think we all should have one dream that we will never give up on and work towards and if we do get to achieve, keep working. Writing will never reach an end for me. So that dream will never end. But once it does come into fruition, there’s also no reason to find another thing to pursue. Another big one, I mean.
I’m always working on a bunch of smaller ones.
For instance, if I had more time to myself in the day, I would start a third blog and try to open up an actual discourse. It’d be a different concept, not just something that I’d start as a writing exercise and sometimes an exercise for the mind and my thoughts.
I suppose it would be more topical and I could tweet about it and hashtag it and see what happens.
Do you want to know what ultimately proves how my priorities have shifted and how I have hardly much more time to write after work than I already do? I am behind on all the TV shows I like to watch and have not seen a single episode of Game of Thrones season three. That’s how bad it is.
And there are only 4 shows currently running that I like to watch.
If ever you feel like commenting, because you think I’m too bloody full of myself and need to be told, or maybe I’m just full of BS and need to be put down a peck or two, or you feel like sharing your own thoughts, please do. I’m not easily offended.
Also, any comment has to be approved by me, if I don’t like it, I don’t have to approve it.