Untainted

It’s been a long day. I woke up at 5.15am. I did not go back to sleep. My monkey brain kept chattering at me about two things: an email I needed to write and the website I’m trying to build.

At least it wasn’t for nothing. I was able to figure something out about the email and I think I had some good ideas for my website. I didn’t even have to take notes. I only take notes when I’m in danger of falling back asleep and might forget upon waking.

Being tired for most of the day, though, has rendered me somewhat grumpy. Oddly enough, I seem to have been in a reasonably good mood for most of the day. The feeling of grumpiness does not seem to have reflected outward, which is good. I’d hate to let it out on those around me.

It only resurfaced on the way home when people were in my way or lacking common sense and I grunted my way down to the tube.

Sitting down I somehow ended up reflecting on the highlights of my day. I just so happened to re-read a blog I wrote ages ago, someone pointed it out to me by commenting on it and I went back to check what it was about. I’ve written too many blogs by now to remember every one of them in detail.

If you’re interested, you can read it here: https://2clouds.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/sparks/

I admit I was surprised at myself. I thought it rather well done and I don’t usually heap praise on myself. It’s always nice to go back to something you’ve written and nod your head in approval. Mind you, I’ve gone back to something and found myself correcting little mistakes that had escaped me previously and I cringe half-embarrassed.

Thinking about the blog, I wondered if I had any untainted moments today, anything that gave me joy or made me at least smile without any other negative feelings tainting the experience.

There was, I admit, a “lough-out-loud” moment when I went through my Tumblr and stumbled upon a cat gif. That was pretty hilarious. There was a moment of being pleased with what I’ve written for my website. There was the moment of enjoying that first sip of coffee of the day. For me that usually happens in the afternoon, I rarely drink coffee in the morning.

There was a moment of reading an email and how it made me feel slightly fuzzy on the inside.

And just now I had a moment when the barista winked at me upon checking my change and finding that he hadn’t charged me for my red berries tea.

I didn’t have a bad day, just one that was somewhat dampened by my tiredness throughout.

I do find, though, that even the slightest issue can turn a good day into one that wasn’t good or a bad day into that feels horrendous. But when you look at all the moments you experienced, there’s always something that wasn’t so bad. There has to be something, because if there isn’t, then there is something wrong with your life and that would be a shame.

I have much writing ahead of me, a lot of it for my website. One piece I’ll be posting on it, I actually wrote on my phone one day on the bus. I put it down properly today. It tells a story, in a very brief way and it qualifies as a story, because it has a beginning, a middle and an end. But it doesn’t really very much look like a story.

Now, I’ve mentioned my website about five times now. This is the first time I’m writing about it. It belongs into the “untainted” part of my day. It’s giving me a headache and there’s so much to do and figure out, because I’ve never built a website (never mind that I’m using a template, I’m not going to start from scratch by learning HTML and CSS), but in and of itself it only gives me joy to do this and no amount of confusion or frustration can dampen that.

I’ve decided to be myself, which means I decided against conventional. Instead of racking my brain to figure out what I should be doing and how I should be doing it, I just went with my instincts and did what I really want to do. I think that was the best part of my day. No matter how tired I am feeling right now – which is pretty tired indeed, but there must always be time to write – that part makes me smile.

The only way to be certain to taint everything on every day of your life is by dreaming too small or not dreaming enough or never daring to dream or not to ever follow any of your dreams at all.

So maybe I growl at someone stepping on my foot without apologizing, or I think unkindly about the person in front of me, because they are sleepwalking, but these are small snags I hit on the way and they happen every day. I can’t let them blemish the things that are going well and that are good.

And if you can’t find a moment of untainted goodness in your day, go on ahead and make one.

Do it now.

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About 2clouds

I am many things, most of them I am 100%, some of them 150%, none of them just half. I write, I read, I dream, I travel. I question. And I'm always looking for answers. No dream is impossible.
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