Let’s admit it, we all talk to ourselves. There’s a constant narrative going on in my head. Being naturally wordy and inclined to tell stories, this may be more pronounced in my case. But I can’t speak to anyone but myself, so maybe it is indeed the same for all of us.
Very few of us have outright arguments with ourselves. Out loud. In the street. That’s another issue entirely and not one I suffer from. *Insert paranoid glance to the right and left and the added thought: not yet.*
I don’t usually have a proper conversation with myself, arguing one point against another as if I were having a discussion. I think about one aspect of a situation and then weigh it against another. Sometimes there are conflicting emotions or desires and there is more of a back and forth of what ifs.
This morning I woke up at 6:50am (luckily not as early as yesterday). It’s not a particularly relevant detail. It was just a curious awaking, because I simply opened my eyes and there I was. I could’ve gotten up, but instead I changed my alarm to ring five minutes later than it would otherwise have and snuggled back into the warmth of my bed.
That’s when the back and forth started. This is how it went.
Hi, how are you. Let me introduce myself, I’m your Doubt.
Nuh uh, we need to talk.
No, we don’t. Go away.
Thanks, now go away.
You’re making a website. You actually want to publish stuff on there, not just your random blog. No, you’ve written a story last night, which, by the way, is rubbish. You intend to publish it anyway.
It’s a first draft. Of course it’s rubbish. No first draft ever gets to be perfect. But I’m onto something. I will fix it and then I will publish it on my own website.
Cray cray, that’s what you are.
You wrote this story with a brain that was barely awake. You remember how tired you were? Do you remember all the inconsistencies in pace and tone? And don’t get me started on how you ended it.
I am aware of all that, clearly. I will fix it. Go away now.
Well, if that’s how you want to go about it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Then the alarm went off and I got up.
Needless to say that this went on for much longer than illustrated above, but if I were to continue, I’d bore you out of your minds and that’s not what you came here for.
A writer, serious about their work, will never not have these moments when doubt comes assaulting at inconvenient times. I held my ground, though. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean Doubt won’t be back.
For now I have my work cut out for me and all those doubts ensure at least that I will be extra diligent. It wouldn’t do to become complacent.
Onward and upward.