A cluttered mind

I’ve written about warring desires not too long ago. But that was just about me having various dreams about various things that all await fulfilment at some point. My path, nonetheless, was laid out.

Well, not anymore.

A competing situation has arisen, so to speak.

Scenario A. The new situation. A new job. I applied for it. Potentially the ultimate job in any company, if I chose to work for somebody else. Extensive travel is involved with prolonged stay at each location. I’d be mostly working without supervision. I’d be training people. I’d be part of a rather small, quite exclusive team. I would get paid well and would have few of my own expenses, because I’d be travelling on company time.

It’s a good job. A challenging job. Something that hasn’t been done before in the company I work for.

Scenario B. The planned situation. I work for another three months and two weeks. I’ll buy my RTW ticket this week. I go and travel, see friends, meet someone potentially awesome. See new places. Write. Write. And Write. Take my camera and make images. Write some more. Learn Spanish. Keep on travelling.

I would be free. I’d face challenges and would overcome them.

The downsides. Scenario A. I have no idea how much time I would have to write. Several travel plans for the near future would all have to be cancelled. The money spent lost on most tickets. I would spent a lot of time alone with no chance of actually seeing my friends or family. Stress and frustrations are almost guaranteed. I might be pushed to breaking point.

Scenario B. My savings would run out, sooner rather than later. No security of any kind. The future literally unknown. Would I go back to another job? Will I keep writing, trying to publish myself or find a publisher? Will I ever be good enough to successfully live as a writer? Where would I even live?

Why is this so difficult to decide?

I do believe very strongly that I am a good candidate for the job. I could do it, and very well. But it would cost me, how much, I don’t know. It would enable me to save money for the future.

The appeal of freedom and doing my own thing is just as strong, though. Not pushing off my dreams in favour of a challenge. There is a chance that in a very real way my heart is pitted against my brain.

My heart wishes for freedom. Away from London, open skies. Seeing good people, whom I had to leave behind when I moved away. Perhaps find love. And write. It’s not my brain that needs to write. It’s my soul.

My brain needs teasing. It needs to learn new things and find out how far it can reach. Stretch and bend itself, think outside the box. Prove its intelligence and feel recognized.

Head and heart only agree on one thing. The need to travel.

Of course, this only becomes a problem, if I get the job. I don’t think I could refuse it. But I am looking for arguments against taking the position. Hence the listed downsides. Never mind that there is a likelihood of the decision being made so close to the actual start date, that it already starts to feels as if I’ve been thrown out of an airplane with no idea, if there is a parachute attached to me.

There is just as much chance that I have no chance to get the job and I’m freaking out over nothing, because the answer will be no, perhaps is no already.

But I can’t sit back and not consider every angle and every possibility. My brain won’t let me, which causes me stress unless I binge watch The Good Wife. And, of course, it costs me sleep.

Perhaps that alone is a sign that the job might not be for me after all. Or I’m simply over-thinking, as if I never not think too much on anything.

So, I write on it. Sort that cluttered mind of mine. Usually that helps. It did, now, too. I’m nowhere near a solution. I will have to await another interview and the final decision. I can’t help but feel cynical about it and I couldn’t explain exactly why. Probably because I’d be honestly surprised, if I get the job.

At the end of the day I have nothing to lose. Not really. Whatever the outcome, I will get what I want, or a part of me will get what it wants. The other part will just have to wait its turn, though neither would be truly left behind or overruled.

Rest assured I’ll keep you posted.

I won’t tempt fate by asking anyone to wish me luck. I’m lucky either way.


About 2clouds

I am many things, most of them I am 100%, some of them 150%, none of them just half. I write, I read, I dream, I travel. I question. And I'm always looking for answers. No dream is impossible.
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