Doubt is one thing I will never be able to fully conquer. That is a good thing. It keeps me grounded and, hopefully, diligent.
But on bad days it can be stifling.
On bad days I want to abandon my blogs and my website and delete all the files of all the things I have written or am writing. I shake my head at myself and question what it is I think I am doing. And why the heck I’m not taking the easy way out by taking on a more regular profession, or going back to school, perhaps even making a career in my current dayjob.
Then I remember how much more impossible it would be for me to settle for any of that. I love to learn, but school is out forever. I study on my own terms.
And with the latest door closed on me for a job that would have interested me, I honestly do not believe that I could stay in a job for the same company that does not interest me even remotely.
My time there is now truly over and I am ready to leave.
So I am left with a calling that has chosen me a long time ago. One that I finally seek to make my craft. However terrifying that seems to me sometimes, the alternative does not even bear consideration.
I continue to fight the battle, relishing little victories that I know won’t last and hopefully conquering whatever it is I am fighting, one day.
There is no easy way out. That’s okay.