I had to say goodbye to someone I loved more than anyone else before. I was only able to do so in writing. I sent her a letter because all other ways of communication have been closed. Not by me, though I did decide not to email her, which would have been horrible in my eyes. A letter feels more personal.
I know that she hasn’t read it yet because she’s not home right now. She may get it next week or the week after. I wouldn’t know. And I will probably never know whether she will even read the letter. Whilst I do want her to, it also doesn’t actually matter if she reads it or not.
I needed to get a few things off my chest that I had been holding back. There’s nothing else I can do. And for me, it was the right thing to do. I needed to say goodbye.
At the same time, however, I’m not burning bridges. I can’t. I don’t think that I’ll ever see her or hear from her again, but I still can’t just burn that bridge. There wouldn’t be a point.
In fact, I don’t see a point in burning bridges. Some relationships cannot be mended because some things cannot be fixed. But I do believe that we owe it to ourselves to try. We owe it to ourselves to not give up until it is clear that something absolutely cannot be fixed. Until we know we’ve tried everything.
I did. I tried everything. Except for outright confrontation. But I know that would have backfired and made things worse. It would have felt wrong to seek confrontation. However, there is likely going to be a confrontation, should we ever see each other again.
I doubt it, though.
Be that as it may, I believe in fighting for one another. Not against each other. When there’s love, how can we let it become hate or contempt? Sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much we love. When someone is not receptive, it doesn’t matter. But don’t we have a duty to still treat each other with decency?
Is it necessary to be hurtful or cruel? Yes, rejection hurts and there’s practically nothing we can do to ease the pain. Whatever our intentions might be, the other person will still be hurt. And if that’s the case, we should try our best to do the right thing.
What is the right thing? That depends on the circumstances but at the very least we can take responsibility for our actions. Accept the consequences. And perhaps apologise.
Burning bridges and pretending that everything is alright is certainly not the right path.
At the end of the day, I don’t believe in causing pain to one another. Sometimes it happens despite our best intentions. Such is life. I’ve hurt people before. I’m not proud of it. I did my best to own it and make it better. But I can’t heal someone else. They have to do that themselves. I can only apologise and hope for forgiveness one day.
We’re all we have, you know? Ultimately we’re all the same. We’re all human. We have hopes and fears and sorrows and the capacity for joy. We all want to be loved. We want someone to see us. Someone to choose us. Someone to stand by our side.
Sometimes we don’t get these things. Sometimes we don’t get what we need or want. And that has to be okay as well.
Because it is not okay to take what somebody is unwilling to give.