It’s been forever since I last wrote a blog entry. Life is funny. So unpredictable. Not that I would want it any other way. And whilst I write pretty much every day, this blog has taken a backseat. It was not important to write here.
But I return to it whenever I need it and, apparently, I need it now.
There are so many thoughts and feelings running through me that I don’t quite know where to begin.
Having someone hold up a mirror to your actions is rarely a pleasant thing. You can claim to know yourself all you want, but when someone shows you what you’ve done and that it wasn’t okay for you to do as you did, it sucks. You realise you hurt somebody, without meaning to. By simply being selfish. My wants above your needs. That’s not okay, especially when you love somebody.
Love should never be selfish. But people are and most of us love in a selfish way. ‘I’ before ‘you’, even in the most meaningful and simplest of phrases: I love you.
But how do you rephrase that? After all, this is my feeling that I have for you.
There’s this quote:
This is vitally important. I’ve known this to be true since I first read it. But I haven’t lived it the way I should have. It’s time for me to learn to live it. And this is not going to be easy. Everything inside me is turmoil. Head over heart. Heart vs head. Want over need. Mine over yours. No…
You need this. I’m hurting. But you need this. There can’t be growth without pain. Your needs over mine. In this case, it’s the only decision I can make. I’ll learn how to breathe again. My appetite will return eventually, so will sleep.
If there is a way forward, we will find it. We always have, and I have faith in that. What’s between us has not diminished in any way. We trust each other. But this time apart is necessary and important, and I know that.
It’s what you need. And in my own way, I need it as well. I need it because it challenges me in ways that I didn’t want to be challenged.
I’ll deal with this in my own way, which will mostly mean that I will write… a lot… It’ll also mean that I’ll spend a lot of time by myself. Something that you don’t understand and wouldn’t want for me… to close myself off… but that’s not necessarily what this is about. Being alone forces me to confront myself. This is hard. Going out to party with friends is an easy distraction. An escape. I don’t want to escape.
So, I’m going to work on reconciling what you need with what I want. There is an important distinction to be made here. What I want is different from what I need. That’s probably true for most people, including you.
For now, I’m going to have to move through life without you in it – at least physically, because I can neither cast you from my mind nor from my heart. And when the time is right, I’ll reach out and hopefully, you’ll reach back.